Too many times I have felt lost, confused and hopeless. One example I can think of is one week, when my postdoc was away at a conference, which also happened to be the week I was starting my project, I was sort of left to my own devices. My first task was to section brains I had punched holes in and frozen the day before. Either the stress or the my own insecurity began to act up because I couldn't, for the life of me, get the cryostat (brain sectioning machine) to work. I tried everything, from putting dry ice inside the machine to cool it down, to adjusting the angles, to saying quick prayers for guidance. For some reason all the sections were curling and shredding, which I later found out was an error in the perfusion, but nevertheless the whole ordeal was quite disheartening. I was mad at myself because I speculated that becuase I was unable to overcome this obstacle, I was not cut out for the field; I deeply felt the absence of that natural knack for knowing what to do, how to innovate a solution and how to think outside the box- all indispensable skills for academic research.
After speaking to other students in my lab, as well as family members in the field, I reached the realization that not only is feeling like this completely normal, but it is, in fact, necessary to achieve excellence. Complacency is pernicious, and the fact that I felt discouraged meant that I could channel that feeling into motivation and stimulation to improve and excel.
I returned the following week, physically exhausted from school, but mentally invigorated. Sure, some students 'get it' much faster than I do, but I know I am able to finally, with time and tenacity, 'get it' too. I started working in the lab early in the year, so that I could feel proficient in lab work for when it mattered, and that is one thing I definitely did right. The rest will come, and I know that I have a support system both in the lab and outside. I just need to believe in myself.
